It seems like yesterday that we were waiting excitedly and oh so anxiously to meet our baby girl (she really did keep us waiting!) and now here we are, preparing to celebrate a whole year of her life.
I was lying in bed tonight and as she slept next to me I found myself thinking, as I often do, about the day she was born. But this time my thoughts wandered to one particular moment almost immediately after her birth that I don't really let myself ponder too deeply, but with Rosina's first birthday rapidly approaching and with her being my final baby (sadface), I have decided to let myself do that in blog form. If you reach the end of this I applaud you and honestly thank you. It's going to be a journey!
Throughout my pregnancy I had known I was having a girl. I had all the same physical symptoms I experienced with Isabella and felt exactly the same emotionally too - tired, tearful, irritable, so so sensitive! So I was counting down the days until she was here, when we could snuggle her up and marvel in her newness after all of the craziness of pregnancy. Rosina, however, had other ideas.
At all of my scans she was either in a tricky position and made the sonographer question their patience or she would be right there, then suddenly stick her feet in front of her face. We were told she was breech, but that she would turn herself upside down soon, she was just comfy this way and wasn't currently in a hurry to move. Well! At what was meant to be my final scan she was still in the same position, so we were told that if she still hadn't shifted herself in a few weeks I might need a c-section. I'd had home water births with both Oliver and Isabella, and the idea of that terrified me. I continued to try all sorts of positions that were meant to turn babies but to no avail - we were told we'd need to see a consultant to discuss our options.
I remember Christopher and I sitting in that waiting room for what felt like the longest time, and I remember one of the first things the consultant told us when I expressed my desire to birth the baby naturally despite her position, was the baby mortality rates for natural breech births. He actually left the room to check with the head consultant that the percentage was right (he was gone for ages!) and how I felt all sorts of sickness and confusion, and Chris had to remind me that it wasn't a decision we were taking lightly - it was something we had researched deeply and read so much about (both research articles and mum's experiences of breech births), it was what we felt was right. I told the consultant that we would go ahead with a natural delivery, that of course if any part of the labour didn't go according to plan I would be taken immediately for the section. And then we waited. And waited! And saw another consultant. She told us that we could only wait so long - that if Rosina didn't arrive by the Monday I would have the c-section. We went home and I cried as I read about having to inject myself with blood thinners afterwards at home, about possible infections and scar tissue, about the thoughts of my three children who would need me and my cuddles and how I might physically struggle. I wasn't used to this.
Early on the morning of Thursday the 17th of September I woke up from a deep sleep (so rare!) and went to the loo.. And all I will say was that I had no idea what was happening, but that it was not a "show" and I would need to go straight to the hospital. So that's what we did. I told Christopher what had happened, I called my mum and she came to look after Oliver and Isabella, we grabbed the bags and walked the few minute walk to the hospital (so close, lucky us!).
At that point I wasn't having contractions that I could actually feel and was thinking the worst, Christopher was nervous but outwardly calm and reassuring and that walk felt so unnerving. We were met by a lovely and very casual midwife who told me it was probably a show and who was very surprised indeed when I produced the thing that was not a show in a plastic bag! I'm only sparing details because it didn't look very nice and I don't want to make you feel sick - this is meant to be a happy blog! She took us to a little room where another lady looked at it, and we were told that the baby had pooed and that was the result! She said my contractions had probably started and the squeezing on baby's tummy had made her poop, so after an examination it was confirmed I was in early labour! So we were taken to a labour and delivery room and as I was hooked up to monitors and prepared for the possible c-section I started to feel little tightenings.
The midwife we had (Angela, and she seriously was our angel that day!) was so wonderful, we all chatted and the vibe in the room was so positive, but then another lady came in and started to remind us that if labour didn't progress accordingly then there would be forceps, and if they didn't work then it was c-section time. She had her scrubs on and meant business. I reassured her that I had remembered this, but that I was sure once I had gone to the loo(!), got up and moved around and let gravity do it's thing, that labour would progress accordingly and all would be well. She glared and left pretty quickly. The head midwife was there and as soon as the other woman had left she said "I completely agree with you - I'll get your cannula in and then get you up and moving, there won't be any need for forceps or any of that. You'll be fine.". God bless that lady. She was right.
I was dehydrated and the baby's heartbeat kept dipping with my contractions which was terrifying, but once I was given an iv of fluids her heartbeat returned to normal and things really picked up, and quickly! I had bought a beautiful essential oil roll on which was specifically for labour (Vital Touch Natalia Labour Instant Energiser - Organic Peppermint and Rosemary), and as my contractions increased and intensified I kept rubbing it on my temples, wrists and behind my ears.. All over the place really! It was amazing. It made me feel so focused and calm, so in tune with my body and what I needed to do. Any expectant mumma's, buy this oil and use it! I seriously can't recommend it highly enough.
I was being examined hourly and being offered pain relief even more frequently, but with Christopher's perfect calm reassurance, my midwifes happy chatter and lots of essential oils and hip rocking, I was getting through it naturally. The consultant who would assist the birth came in, and low and behold, it was mortality rate statistic man! I felt a pang of worry but was reassured by Angela that he was a calm and knowledgeable man, that he had assisted in the most breech births in the hospital and we were lucky he was there. She was right!
My contractions were getting stronger and I could feel the baby moving down - I knew it would be time to start pushing soon, so Christopher let our mums know and my mum started making her way to the hospital as Christopher's mum Sue took over looking after a very excitable and impatient Isabella and Oliver! As Christopher went down to meet my mum and bring her to our room, I felt the strong urge to push. I suddenly felt really emotional and sad which confused me as I had been so calm and happy, chatting and smiling between contractions, and I remember crying as Angela took over massaging my back and telling her I was afraid Christopher and my mum wouldn't make it back in time. She was so lovely, telling me they would and that we were so close to meeting our baby, that everything was going perfectly and would be fine. And then in they sauntered! The lift had broken so it had taken a lot longer than planned to get there, but there they were, and up on to the bed I heaved myself. Our consultant came in and declared that as I was managing so well he would be back in another hour! Oh.. In my head I wailed that no, he could not possibly leave me, our baby would be here in much less than a blinking hour! But as I pushed all I could manage was a muffled whimper of "nooo!" as he happily trotted out the door. I remember Angela running out of the room to get him to come back, and Christopher holding my left hand as my mum held my right, and more and more people appearing. We had agreed that as we wanted to spread more awareness of natural breech deliveries among labour and delivery staff, we would allow them (and students) to watch the birth. They were so respectful, standing back and letting us do what we needed to do and I'm so so glad we made that choice looking back.
As I said before, the vibe in that room was amazing, so positive and full of beautiful energy! I remember hearing quiet chatter about it being a beautiful day to be born, about how amazingly I was doing, how everyone was talking about this birth on the ward and I was so excited as I pushed. I also remember telling my mum I couldn't breathe at one point, the contractions were so close together and so strong! Poor mum didn't know what to say, it makes me laugh thinking back. I was so blessed to have my two rocks getting me through those pains. Christopher was unfaltering in his support and to this day I credit him with helping me cope so well. I couldn't have done it without him.
As I pushed I spoke to our baby both out loud and in my thoughts. It might sound silly, but in my mind we were a team, her and I. She had decided that now was her time to come earthside, and I really really wanted her in my arms, and we had to do this together. We had to work together. I remember hearing encouraging chuckles and little cheers as I shouted "Come on Rosina!" through a big push, and in my head I added "You can do this!", to both of us I think.. And then Christopher was telling me "She's nearly here!" and my mum was saying "She's coming, I can see her!" and I was asking "Really? Really?!" as I pushed and pushed and then she was there. Our girl.
And then here comes the part that led me to write this blog, the part that I don't normally think too much about.
Rosina Fawn Hitchon was born and then she was popped straight in to the incubator. A specialist member of the team had been there throughout the birth ready to monitor her once she was born, and he leaned over her then, watching her breathe. We had been warned that breech babies could find it hard to breathe on their own when they're born, as all of the fluid doesn't get pushed out of their lungs as it would during a typical labour.
I had told Christopher that if there were any problems, he would stay with her. Wherever she went, he would stay by her side and of course he agreed. The man was explaining what he was doing to Christopher and we were all watching Rosina struggling with her breathing, and I was caught in this really weird, confusing place mentally. I was looking at our girl - her fair rosy skin, her big blue eyes and insanely long dark eyelashes, how long her legs were, how she was so alert looking all around! And thinking how beautiful she was, so so beautiful, like her soul was shining. I was thinking we did it, we actually did it! Feeling so strong and victorious.. And I was also weak, more afraid than I'd been in my life, seeing her struggle. Hearing the man say he would have to take her away to get her some help and more observations and more monitoring.
And again, I started talking to her from my bed, we all did. "Come on Rosina, come on baby, you can do it.. Good girl, come on!". And do you know what, she looked around, her breaths got stronger, and suddenly the man was saying "Well what do you know, she can stay after all". We dressed her and held her and I breastfed her and there were happy happy tears. Sue came up to see us and I remember looking at our girl, her dadda and her grandma all sat there and they looked so alike! I felt so incredibly blessed. Family, bound together by love for always.
Rosina was monitored hourly that night and I did not sleep a wink. She did though! I watched her, fed her and just held her close. We were allowed home the next day, just in time for lunch! We had Marks and Spencer's sandwiches and they tasted divine. Isabella became a real "little mumma" while Oliver took his time warming to this noisy, wriggly little beast in the same way he had adjusted to (and grew to love) his other little sister. My mum and nan cooed over Rosina and I watched as Christopher blossomed immediately in to an even more amazing, nurturing father. Seeing him holding and kissing our tiny baby was so beautiful to me.
Family life just happened, and it was easy to forget the scary part of how Rosina arrived (and all about the stress in the run up to it). When we chatted about her birth, that part was just never really mentioned, not even remembered most of the time. And as I think about everything tonight, I realise that I need to honour that too. I need to remember that I was scared, I was afraid, but our girl was strong and she got through it. That she heard our voices and she felt our encouraging love and it all gave her that extra little push to breathe in and out. I need to accept that you can face terrifying obstacles in this life and you can not know what to do, but given a little bit of time and love, you will reach the other side. Rosina did it, I did it - we did it!
I just want to say this, I have to put it out there. Trust yourself. Go with your instincts. And when you get more challenges chucked your way, allow yourself some grace, please. Don't be hard on yourself. Take a moment to accept that it is what it is, and then make a plan, compromise and just keep on bloody keeping on. There have been times (so many times in all my years) I've wanted to give up, but I just need to say, whatever you're going through (even if it's nothing to do with babies and their dodgy breathing or birthing methods or mortality rates!) - in the end it will be okay. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.
